For whatever reason, I get bored. I retreat. I walk away. And I take breaks, long breaks. And during each single break I think, ‘ I don’t believe this is meant to be; I don’t think I have it in me to continue, to make this work; Im just not good enough’.
Failure, failure, success, failure, mediocre success. And failure once again. It’s a cycle.
But still, something always pulls back in. It’s like my heart mysteriously becomes enlightened, and all over again, I fall back into the thoughts that lured me in, in the first place- The tones. The light. The grain. The control. That essence of ‘you don’t ever know what you’re going to get’. The mystique that differentiates you from all the rest. The often, beautiful mistakes. It’s actually such a simple, complicated story.
See, ’cause I don’t think Im bored. No, actually Im not. I think I just lack that confidence that pushes me to try harder. And its that lack of confidence that drags me into this dark place, where I sit and wilt. There’s so much I want to achieve, so much greatness I think I’m capable of, but then a setback, could be minor, could be big, that humbles me, and I get scared. I then end up frustrated, upset, and bored. That’s when I get bored. When I feel Im not capable of giving more, and in turn, not getting anything back.
Its as if I want things to work out, immediately. I’ve wanted that from day one.
I don’t want to deal with mistakes- artistically, monetary, or emotionally. I just want things to be great, from NOW. And funny, Im normally, not so desperate with goals, but I just expected this to be so much easier. The impatience grounds me.
But then each time I do take the chance to try again, Im reminded that each mistake has made me better. I stand back, see where I am now, and compare it to the past, and realize how much I’ve grown. If it weren’t for the mistakes, I wouldn’t have known how to approach things differently. I wouldn’t have known to change my perspective, and look at things differently. And I wouldn’t have bothered to change my focus, when focus was the only thing I needed. I wouldn’t have known to change my stance on some occasions just to let a different light in. And I can go on, and on.
So no, frustrations aren’t great, and yes, they can be paralyzing, causing you to stop dead in your tracks. But why do we insist on evaluating our journey based how much we have left to go, as opposed to seeing how far we’ve gotten?
At the end, Im still enamored with film. More today than yesterday, but likely not as much as tomorrow.
Its that love, that prevents me from ever really giving up on it.
This is where I am now. Quite far from where I was some time ago, and to think, this relationship is just in the beginning stages. The thoughts of what awaits me, makes me so giddy.
Fuji Xtra 400
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